My Little Mother (Gretel)
March 29, 1997
I lost my friend today... My Little Mother,,, that's what I called her.
My Little Gretie .. Little Miss Muffet ... Momma ... Momma, Momma.
Yes, I called her all these names because, at various times ... she was all of them to me.
It was so hard to look into those beautiful eyes .. those eyes that
were always so curious, so loving, so understanding and so smiling with
joy at seeing me and hearing the little names, and the songs I would make up.
But those eyes had become cloudy over the last few years, and the soft,
floppy ears had weakened with time. A clap from my hands no longer startled
her ... and the sound of my voice no longer caused that stub of a tail to wag ...
but my scent, and my touch, and my kiss, still caused her to sight deeply and
know she was safe in my arms. The trembling had started long ago, but quieted
each night as I put her under my arm, next to my chest and rested her head on my
shoulder and cupped her hind paws in my hand. We called it the 5250 position ...
her left paw crossed over her right, so that her hind paws fit perfectly into my
hand. We would sleep this way all night long ... once in a while, around 3:00 am,
she would rise and change positions ... reversing herself so her little butt was where
her head had been ... we would both sleep tight the rest of the night.
To watch her awaken, slowly as she got older, but quick as a pup, was my
morning delight. As the years unfolded, and of late ... a gentle touch on her
head ... or my hand soft on her little body, would cause her to turn her head
to me ... blink ... and, eyes half closed ... to almost smile as she waited for me
to lift her to go outside. You see, she had ceased to jump on and off the
bed (although she did jump off the bed yesterday) ... because she really couldn't
see just quite where to jump. Her jump off anything was fun to see ... she would
jump straight out ... as if she thought she could fly ... and seemed to just remain
in the air for a brief time ... then land and take off bouncing, turning, bouncing,
and turning ... to see if I was behind her.
I knew today was coming and so did Gretel ... those days since her heart problem and
the constant seizures took their toll have been the most difficult of my life. The
almost 40 hours straight that I stayed up with her watching her signs ... holding her
during each and every seizure ... watching her take water from a dropper and the look
of love in her eyes as I gave it to her and fed her honey, created a bond that I have
never had with another animal or human. We looked into each others eyes ... both our
eyes clouded ... hers due to age ... mine due to tears of love ... we lay there together
for all those hours ... her on my chest, we could then feel each others hearts beating
and we both knew we were safe ... her from harm ... and me, from all my private demons.
There was no opportunity for me to consider my own circumstances or fears as I was tending
to this little bundle of God's love.
Heidi is her daughter ... thus, the name "little mother" ... and "momma momma" ... but
Gretel was always sort of a "mother" to us all. The "little organizer, the curious one",
the one who would lie with us when we were sad, like when Stormy passed away ... it was Gretel
who came to me that very night and took his exact place in bed ... turned her little head to
me ... looked at me with those beautiful eyes that seemed to say "is this how he did it Dad"?
"I'll help you ... I'll take his place for you now". It's funny how, just as with people ... the
parents, who take such care of you for so long, often become the children, needing the
care and love from you.
I am so glad I was able to be with her so much these last few weeks. I know she knew it was me and
could tell how much I loved her. I know she was ready to leave us ... the far away look in her eyes ... the
peaceful way she would lay her head under my chin or across my chest and shoulder as we
sat or lay together. Last night we slept close ... she breathed slowly and deeply. I prayed
to God to help me do the right thing ... I had been praying for weeks for some guidance and
understanding ... for signs, so to speak.
As we walked what would turn out to be our last walk today ... she tried, she really tried to walk
without stagger ... but the stagger was more evident than ever ... this from a little dog who has
fought cancer surgeries for years ... who has come back from illness and surgery and pain better than
any human I have ever known ... her walk told me just how very weakened and tired and ill she had
become. We sat on the porch, looking out at the pond and the birds she always liked to watch ... she
would just stand there for hous and cock her little ears and look out at the
pond. The gentle breeze caused her little eyebrows and whiskers to move today as we sat ... she would close
her eyes and lay her head on my shoulder ... and seemed to say ... "I have had a wonderful life, full
of love and attention, and have had two loving parents who were gentle and kind and who accepted and
enjoyed all I had to give them ... a loving daughter who has stayed by my side and has taken care of me
as I took care of her when she was young ... always sleeping with me ... and cleansing my eyes and ears ... now,
as much as I love all of you ... and will miss all of you ... I would like to rest with God ... for you see,
I am very tired and will only get more tired and then the pain will come ... and I know it would hurt you more
to see me in pain than to let me just go be with God now in puppy heaven".
You see, even as she was dying, and had prepared herself to go ... she was concerned about us ... about me ... not
wanting to see her endure the pain that would have surely come very soon ... her eyes and her body actions told me
all this ... as our hearts beat against each other these last days ... she was preparing me as only a "little mother"
could. As the injection was administered, I ... we ... all touched her ... talked to her and I placed my face against
her little head and chest ... as her heart stopped ... so did a piece of my life ... forever and ever ...
Good bye, "My Little Mother, Little Gretie, Little Miss Muffet, Momma, Momma-Momma" ... run with the other little dogs ... catch
up with Stormy and Shadow and remind them how I love them ... I love you Gretel ... I love you and miss you so very much ...
Gretel
Jim Stewart
arrived into my life Dec. 22, 1982
departed from me March 29, 1997 at around 2:00pm
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Visitors Since July 26, 1997
Last Updated 01-02-99
